It’s that time of year again.

The one time of year in which it’s sometimes acceptable to talk publicly about weight gain.

Don’t get me wrong – obesity in America is a very serious issue. And yet it should not – perhaps ironically – be the topic of everyday dinnertime conversation.

Complaining about weight gain is especially tiresome when there exist no extenuating circumstances.

“Oh. My. God. Like, these fries are sooo fattening.”

Totally. But people eat fries all the time – especially, as it happens, when they shouldn’t.

What’s different about this time of year?

In terms of food – practically everything.

For one, there is the tradition of Thanksgiving turkeys and Christmas hams. Next is the stuffing, the mashed potatoes, the bread, the squash, the cranberries, the green bean thing that creepy aunt always brings in the painted gnomes dish and the gravy. Sometimes poured on everything.

That doesn’t even begin to cover what we like to call “desserts” but what should be termed “pre and after-entrees” – pies, cookies, and cakes, each individually decorated so we may excuse our salivating as the physical manifestation of art appreciation.

This is a time of year in which we should be talking about weight gain – or at least be mindful of it. A few healthy tips for holiday eating:

1. Do not wear pants with elastic waistbands to holiday parties or dinners. Elastic waistbands encourage over-eating. Instead, wear pants a couple sizes too small, and cinch your middle school belt snugly around your waist.
2. In reference to Healthy Tip #1: If you lose circulation in your legs, you have cinched the belt too tightly.
3. Skip the solids. Log onto www.jonessoda.com and purchase a case of Turkey and Gravy Soda. Or try the Christmas or Hanukkah variety packs, which feature Christmas Ham soda and Latke Soda, respectively.
4. Combine the entrée and dessert. For example: cover a slice of pumpkin pie in mashed potatoes. Next, cover the pie and potatoes in gravy. Enjoy. Not only will this lower your portions, but you’ll be able to experience all the flavors at once!
5. Decorate your holiday cookies with messages of caution. Possible ways to frost your cookies include: “Eat Me and Die Sooner,” “I Will Make You Fat,” or “This is NOT Only My 2nd Cookie.”
6. Instead of fattening gravy, smother your turkey and potatoes in chocolate SlimFast. For more ambitious eaters, substitute SlimFast for milk in all appropriate recipes.
7. Eat local first and kill your own turkey. Avoid outrageous prices, long lines, and curiously named Butterballs by taking your loved ones out to the woods for an afternoon of turkey hunting.
8. Watch a PETA documentary fifteen minutes prior to your holiday meal.
9. Take the prescribed dosage of a legal sleeping aid 15 minutes before your meal. This should prevent you from gorging for over a half hour.
10. When arriving at a dinner or party, introduce yourself to the other guests in the following manner: “Hello. My name is ____________. I have extremely high blood pressure and just three days ago had a massive heart attack.” If you are in the company of good people (as you should be during the holidays), they should not let you eat anything more than your napkin.