The Secret Service, an organization known for taking every eventuality into account, is preparing for the possibility of a John McCain win this fall.

“Protecting a leader of such advanced age presents a set of challenges we are not used to confronting,” said Special Agent Randall Smith of the Protective Operations Division of the Secret Service. “We are preparing to face these special challenges through new and innovative training programs.”

One of the primary concerns of the Secret Service is McCain wandering off and not remembering where he is, as can occasionally happen to the elderly. Secret Service agents are now required to participate in a training seminar called “What To Do When You Can’t Find Grandpa.” The training program, based at the Baltimore Community YMCA, was outsourced by the Treasury Department in an attempt to save money.

“We’re sure that the Senator’s five decades of service have taken their toll on his bones and we are preparing appropriately,” Smith said. The Secret Service is removing steps from the White House - steps are one of the primary causes of falls, which can spell disaster for 72 year-old hips. The steps are being converted into ramps. The Secret Service is using St. Ann’s Home for Dominican Sisters as an example of a “senior friendly” complex.

The Secret Service is also rumored to have ordered bubble wrap to place around sharp desk edges, presumably in an attempt to soften any possible falls.

The Secret Service has also enlisted the help of the Central Intelligence Agency in the attempts to keep McCain safe. As with any AARP eligible individual, McCain is a primary target for junk mail scams. While offers for “Gorgeous time shares” and fliers proclaiming “You may have already won 10 million dollars” would no doubt entice a man like McCain, it is doubtful he will see them. The CIA is preparing a special task force, “Codename Senility,” to insure McCain’s mail does not contain any offers that could be detrimental to the nation or the Senator.

“No matter what happens the Secret Service will be prepared,” Smith said.

(This article is satirical and fictitious. Any and all references are not factual and were created solely in the imagination of the author.)