The Secret Service, an organization known for taking every eventuality into account, is preparing for the possibility of a John McCain win this fall.

“Protecting a leader of such advanced age presents a set of challenges we are not used to confronting,” said Special Agent Randall Smith of the Protective Operations Division of the Secret Service. “We are preparing to face these special challenges through new and innovative training programs.”

One of the primary concerns of the Secret Service is McCain wandering off and not remembering where he is, as can occasionally happen to the elderly. Secret Service agents are now required to participate in a training seminar called “What To Do When You Can’t Find Grandpa.” The training program, based at the Baltimore Community YMCA, was outsourced by the Treasury Department in an attempt to save money.

“We’re sure that the Senator’s five decades of service have taken their toll on his bones and we are preparing appropriately,” Smith said. The Secret Service is removing steps from the White House - steps are one of the primary causes of falls, which can spell disaster for 72 year-old hips. The steps are being converted into ramps. The Secret Service is using St. Ann’s Home for Dominican Sisters as an example of a “senior friendly” complex.

The Secret Service is also rumored to have ordered bubble wrap to place around sharp desk edges, presumably in an attempt to soften any possible falls.

The Secret Service has also enlisted the help of the Central Intelligence Agency in the attempts to keep McCain safe. As with any AARP eligible individual, McCain is a primary target for junk mail scams. While offers for “Gorgeous time shares” and fliers proclaiming “You may have already won 10 million dollars” would no doubt entice a man like McCain, it is doubtful he will see them. The CIA is preparing a special task force, “Codename Senility,” to insure McCain’s mail does not contain any offers that could be detrimental to the nation or the Senator.

“No matter what happens the Secret Service will be prepared,” Smith said.

(This article is satirical and fictitious. Any and all references are not factual and were created solely in the imagination of the author.)

Wasting no time, both Democrats and Republicans have shifted to the general election. Senators John McCain and Barack Obama are taking regular (almost daily) jabs at one another on a variety of topics. Today’s squabble, as an article in the New York Times reports, revolved around the economy. It is logical to assume that the next five months will be filled with the same such mutual distortions and over-simplifications.

While it does strike me as premature that the candidates have begun to engage each other so aggressively already, watching the last few days has left me with one inescapable feeling: this election is Barack Obama’s to lose. Here are a few reasons that I think show a favorable fall is coming for Obama:

1) Polls

Foxnews.com, the bastion of all things conservative and stupid, noted today that Barack Obama currently has a 7-point lead over John McCain. While a lead this early in the season doesn’t predict absolute success, it is a sizable bump so quickly after wrapping up the nomination.

2) Money

Senator Obama enjoys a financial advantage over Senator McCain. Obama’s fundraising has already set records. He raised $272 million at the end of April from 1.5 million donors. Astonishingly, it appears more is coming. TheHill.com has projected Obama could raise $100 million in June and another $630 million by the election if current trends continue. While John McCain’s fundraising has been stronger in recent weeks, the Obama money machine is a juggernaut.

3) President Bush

There are those who said the Presidency of George W. Bush would be historic and they were right. George W. Bush is now the most unpopular President in modern history. This makes McCain’s task all that much harder as the Democrats have worked very hard to tie him to Bush in recent weeks.

4) McCain is Old.

It seems the only number more insurmountable for John McCain than George Bush’s approval rating is his own age. McCain is old. Really old. He’d be 72 on Inauguration Day and 78 if he served two terms. As Jack Cafferty of CNN.com writes, some polls have shown the country is hesitant to elect a candidate old enough to remember going West in a stagecoach. (No, McCain isn’t that old but he sure is close.)

5) The Narrative

Barack Obama has successfully defined the narrative of the election. This is evident in McCain’s terrible speech on the night Obama won the nomination. The background reads “A Leader We Can Believe In” and McCain used the word “change” more than 30 times in his speech. Obama’s campaign slogan is “Change We Can Believe In” and, of course, Obama often mentions change. In defining the terms of the election, Barack Obama has put John McCain on defense. It is much harder to win an election when you’re not the one setting the ground rules.

It looks like Barack Obama has a few reasons to smile. Things are looking up for him. This isn’t to say he’ll win the election, but it certainly isn’t John McCain’s to lose.

Now that Senator Hillary Clinton has conceded the Democratic Presidential Primary and endorsed Senator Barack Obama, it seems appropriate to take a moment to look back. Dubbed the “Long, Flat, Seemingly Endless Bataan Death March To The White House” by the Daily Show’s Jon Stewart, the primary race was the longest in recent memory, spanning nearly six months and more than 50 contests. Slate.com has put together an entertaining 8 minute review of the entire season. Watch and enjoy:

The original Indiana Jones trilogy ranks among my favorite movies of all time. With the possible exception of “Temple of Doom”, they, like the original Star Wars movies, are American popcorn cinema at their best. However, my experience with watching the prequels to the Star Wars trilogy was like expecting a feast and being served chilled monkey brains. Needless to say, I remained cautiously optimistic about seeing the new Indiana Jones movie.

Pleasantly, however, I discovered that cautious optimism is not required. The fourth Indiana Jones film, “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,” is a sequel worthy of its predecessors.

**Caution: Potential Plot Spoiler**

The plot revolves around Dr. Henry Jones, Jr. (Harrison Ford) racing to beat the Soviets and Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett) to possession of a mythical crystal skull. The skull gives the person who returns it to its rightful resting place great power. (Yes, the plot does sound familiar.) With the help of Mutt Williams (Shia LaBeouf) Jones travels across the global to rescue Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen) and find the skull before the Soviets can use its power to rule the world. While the plot does seem a tad recycled and more than a little comic bookish, it’s nonetheless engaging and fun to watch.

The visual effects in the movie are impressive without being overbearing. While they are a presence in the film, it is not a menacing presence as the visual effects were in the Star Wars prequels. Visually, and special effects aside, the movie is pure eye candy. The locations are sprawling and the sets impressive. This movie is just fun to watch.

The score of the film is, of course, brilliant as any John Williams score is.

All of this is not to say Crystal Skull is perfect. It is a movie in which the viewer will undoubtedly cringe occasionally. The less-than-wonderful moments include failed homages to the original films and moments that just seem to bend the fabric of possibility a little too much. Some of the acting falls flat and once or twice the movie seems slightly cartoonish.

Bottom line: “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” is what the original films were - American popcorn cinema. While it will never win an academy award, the film is engaging, fun to watch, and leaves the viewer with a slight sense of awe and wonder.

It also left me with more than a passing desire to bull whip something.

Rating: 4.5/5

An article in the Minneapolis Star Tribune today reported that a Christan group called “The Resistance” has a problem with Starbucks. The group contends the limited edition cups that Starbucks is using to promote its new Pike Place Roast are offensive. The limited edition cup, (pictured) which is a redesign of the original Starbucks logo, shows a naked mermaid, naughty bits covered with long hair.

“It’s extremely poor taste, and the company might as well call themselves Slutbucks,” a news release from the group noted while also calling for a boycott of the coffee giant.

Seriously?

While the name “Slutbucks” is certainly catchy and I’m sure would attract a whole new demographic to the flagging coffee chain, I see no reason to plan on telling my friends I’ll  meet them at “the local Slutbucks” in the future.

The limited edition cup is just that - a cup. Sipping a four-dollar latte from it doesn’t make anyone less moral. Paying four dollars for a cup of coffee may be slightly immoral, but I digress.

The cup also doesn’t show anything that isn’t regularly splashed all over American television screens.

I find it absurd that people who call themselves Christians would find the paper coffee cups in our society the most worthy target of contempt. Forty-seven million Americans do not have health insurance and consequently have a much lower quality of life.

The economy is in a recession because of unsound and immoral fiscal policies that favor the rich while leaving the poor to fend for themselves and buy $4 a gallon gas.

We also now, proudly, have two educational systems - one for the wealthy and one for those has the misfortune to be born without a trust fun.

Did I forget to mention that the United States is fighting an unjust and unjustified war that has caused the deaths of more than 4,000 US soldiers and an estimated 500,000 Iraqi civilians?

I’m certainly glad we have “The Resistance” to police what our coffee cups look like. Once we have the coffee cups in line our society should be a positively Utopian Puritan paradise.

Senator Barack Obama, the presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee, made a historic visit to Grand Rapids on Wednesday. The rally was billed as the Senator’s first official visit to West Michigan. Obama originally pledged not to campaign in Michigan because of the now infamous decision to move up the Michigan Democratic Primary.

The rally was most significant, however, in that it marked the moment at which former Senator John Edwards, a one-time hopeful for the Democratic nomination, publicly endorsed Obama’s bid for the White House.

“The reason I am here tonight is that Democratic voters in America have made their choice and so have I,” Edwards said to the ferocious cheers of a full house of roughly 12,000 Obama supporters.

Edwards painted an oratorical portrait of Washington as a city with a wall around it. This wall, Edwards said, keeps ordinary Americans away from the power enjoyed by special interests.

“There is one man who knows in his heart that it is time to tear down that wall and make one America: Barack Obama.”

Edwards continued to emphasize his now familiar populist theme of two Americas, one for the wealthy and one for “everyone else.” A striking moment came when Edwards symbolically passed the torch of “Two Americas” to Obama.

Edwards said of Mr. Obama’s working class credentials, “There is one man who knows in his heart there is time to create one America, not two … and that man is Barack Obama.”

The endorsement of Edwards, who enjoyed the support of working class voters in droves, could not have come at a better time for Obama, who has struggled against the perception that he is out of touch with blue collar America. Tuesday’s West Virginia primary dealt Obama one of the worst electoral defeats of his career, with Democratic voters preferring opponent Senator Hillary Clinton by a 2-to-1 margin.

Edwards earned seven percent of the vote in West Virginia, despite having ended his bid for the White House several months ago. His support amongst blue-collar voters could prove invaluable to Obama in an expected match-up against Senator John McCain in November.

Terry McAuliffe, chair of the Clinton campaign, sought to downplay the Edwards endorsement and the growing chorus calling for a Clinton exit. He told reporters after the Edwards endorsement, “We have six million eligible Democrats left to vote. They’re going to determine who the nominee of the Democratic Party is. And it’s not someone on television telling them what to do.”

Obama’s comments were positive and echoed those of Edwards. Speaking of the country he hopes to build as president, Obama said the country should strive to create “One America where we rise and fall as one people.”

The presumptive nominee also spoke of returning economic opportunities to American workers.

“If you want work, you can find work. If you do work, you will never want.”

Obama went on to talk of creating five million new jobs in green industries and two million jobs to repair the infrastructure of America. He also spoke of helping military families, ending the Iraq war, and offering a $4,000 tuition credit to college students in America.

Turning his sights on his likely challenger, Obama offered a grim assessment – and a subtle stab at the sensitive issue of the candidate’s age:

“John McCain is offering eight more years of the same…That is the politics of the past; we are offering the politics of the future.”

Obama’s remarks ended the same way they began – with characteristic hope and thunderous applause. The crowd erupted as the senator returned to his central theme and emphasized the popularity his campaign has enjoyed.

“Hope is stirring all across America.”

I knew nothing about “Rent.” I hadn’t seen the movie or a staged production. I didn’t even know what the plot was about. Yet, I was moved to shill out for moderately priced tickets anyway. What would possess someone, you might ask, to purchase tickets to a musical they knew nothing about? If you assumed I was trying to impress a girl, you’d be right. It turns out I was the one impressed.

“Rent” is a musical that could be deemed a “rock musical.” The show has won numerous awards including a Tony for Best Musical in 1996 and a Pulitzer Prize for Drama in 1996. “Rent” is also the seventh longest running Broadway show with more than 4,300 performances. It seems reasonable to say that the show is a classic.

The acclaimed musical tells the story of a group of young artists and musicians living in New York’s Lower East side. A multi-ethnic and trans-gender cast deals with the issues of AIDS, drug addiction and homelessness.

The message of “Rent” is one of acceptance and open mindedness, while never appearing to preach to the audience. While saying the show was inspirational may be inappropriate, it certainly was thought, and acceptance, provoking.

Not only is the message of “Rent” admirable, but the production of “Rent” at Devos Performance Hall was also noteworthy. The 150 minute show opened a bit slowly but soon the cast was moving quickly from scene to scene, song to song, flawlessly. The highlight of the first half was the entire production company performing “La Vie Bohème.”

It was truly a show-stopping production of the song that left the audience speechless and feverishly applauding.

The second half was also impressive. From the first notes of “Seasons of Love” to the finale, the latter portion of the musical moved much more quickly and was far superior.

”Rent” is truly a classic musical. While the 12-year-old show is beginning to feel a little dated, I could not have been more impressed by the quality of the production and the writing behind the show. Grand Rapids was truly privileged to host this show for just a few nights.

Rating: 5/5

In what has been become one of the most sought after endorsements of the Democratic presidential primary season, Senator Hillary Clinton received another Kennedy related endorsement this week. The former neighbor of a cousin of a friend of President John F. Kennedy has endorsed Senator Clinton’s presidential bid.

Tom McInerny said of his endorsement of Senator Clinton, “I had to endorse someone. Between her and that other guy, my phone wouldn’t stop ringing. They just kept calling and calling. It was like I forgot to return a movie to Blockbuster.”

“This is truly a great day for our campaign. We have received an endorsement showing the true spirit of the Kennedy legacy,” Senator Clinton told reporters.When asked about Senator Ted Kennedy’s recent endorsement of Senator Barack Obama Clinton replied, “Senator Kennedy? He’s dead to me. The only Kennedy family members I still speak to are former Governor Kathleen Kennedy Townsend, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and Kerry Kennedy.

”Senator Barack Obama addressed the question of the endorsement yesterday as well, “It’s good to see America is involved in the political process. This has truly been a momentous year for the Democratic Party. Senator Ted Kennedy’s endorsement reflects that. As do the endorsements of Maria Shriver and Caroline Kennedy. If we are going to speak of the endorsement of Kennedy family members, it should be the family members we all know and love. Not the B-list.”

Both campaigns are actively courting the remaining Kennedy endorsements. It has been rumored both campaigns are attempting to use Ouija boards to receive the endorsement of Ethel Kennedy.

Michelle Obama has been seen in the company of Caroline Kennedy’s former gardener, Michael Burroughs. Chelsea Clinton has been photographed schmoozing Charles Scribner, the 32 times removed cousin of Robert Kennedy.

Tim Russert of NBC says of the remaining Kennedy endorsements, “These few remaining endorsements are critical to the nomination. Without hundreds of millions of dollars, massive public engagement, and saturation media coverage, the Kennedy endorsements are all these campaigns really have.”